These articles spoke very loudly to me

Scapegoaters are insecure people driven to try and raise their own status 

by attempting to lower the status of their target

by Glynis Sherwood 

Did you grow up having doubts about your self esteem or personal worth?  When things went wrong in your family, did you tend to be the fall guy?  Do you find yourself encountering recurring disrespect from friends or colleagues?  Do you feel unsure of yourself and/or have difficulty experiencing trust in relationships? 

If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of these statements, you may have been scapegoated by your family.  The term 'scapegoat' refers to a family member who takes the blame for difficulties in the family. Scapegoating is a form of bullying.  Family relationships profoundly impact our identity and how we view ourselves.

How to Tell if You Have Been Scapegoated:

1. You are held responsible for family problems, conflicts or challenges, even if they have nothing to do with you.  Other people blame you for their actions.  You may end up feeling a lot of shame for being ‘the bad guy’, and/or anger for being blamed for negative family dynamics.
   
2. You are attacked and disbelieved if you tell the truth and ‘blow the whistle’ on negative and/or inappropriate family dynamics.
   
3. There has been a history of one or more family members being verbally, emotionally or physically abusive towards you.  Other family members seem to accept or look the other way when you are bullied or aggressed against like this.  You may feel like the ‘black sheep’ of the family.
   
4. You find yourself repeatedly being accused of behavior the scapegoater is engaged in. For example, a family member repeatedly yells at you, and then accuses you of being abusive, or being thoughtful and then told “all you care about is yourself”.
   
5. You act out the negative ‘expectations’ of scapegoating such as not living up to your potential, or getting into relationships with abusive people because your self esteem is has been damaged.
   
6. Being the mentally healthiest family member, but being accused of being sick, bad, etc.
   
7. Occupying the role of family outcast, and being treated with disdain or disgust by family or yourself.
   
8. Your achievements are belittled, minimized, criticized and rejected.
   

What’s Going On In Families That Scapegoat

Families that are shame or fear based are not healthy.  Often in these families you will find evidence of abuse, neglect, addiction, betrayal, mental illness and insecurity.  Dysfunctional families either lack insight or find it threatening, and actively repress it through scapegoating those who want to understand and change negative dynamics.  Scapegoating is a “projection defense” that allows scapegoaters to keep up appearances. In other words, by making the scapegoat look bad, it takes attention off the real problem. 

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  To the outside observer – and possibly the Scapegoat – these families seem crazy making and delusional.

Who Gets Picked to Be Scapegoat 

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident.  Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.  In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

How Scapegoating Impacts the Target

Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a‘Victim’ role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.

How To Break Free From Scapegoating

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.
   
2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself.
   
3. Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.  To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.  You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’.
   
4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing
   
5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.
   
6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.
   
7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.
   
8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you.  E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”  Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people.  The point is that you hear and respect yourself!  Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.
   
9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you.  You may experience feelings of grief.  Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed.  This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.
   
10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.
    
11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective.  Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles.  Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.
    
12. Practice what you preach with others…  Break the cycle
    

Need help overcoming scapegoating?  Call 778-837-0616 or Email Glynis to Book an Appointment or a Free 15 Minute Consultation.  *Please Note - The 15 Minute Consultation is Not a Counselling Session

Counselling is available in person in Vancouver BC, toll free by Phone in Canada and the USA, or by Skype around the world. 

Glynis Sherwood - MEd, Canadian Certified Counsellor, Registered Clinical Counsellor, specializes in recovery from Scapegoating/Bullying, Low Self Esteem, Anxiety, Depression, Grief and Addictive Behaviors.  My services are available in person in Vancouver BC, or Toll-Free across Canada by Phone or Email.  I look forward to hearing from you and helping you achieve the life you want and deserve!

If you are known as the ‘black sheep’ of your family, you probably don’t wear that title happily.  Being the black sheep is painful because you are viewed as an outsider - someone who doesn’t fit -  in your own family.  It’s usually a shaming, blaming and otherwise stigmatizing position to be in, as black sheeps are typically made to feel bad about themselves by other family members.  As the black sheep you may feel like you are forever trying to outrun a dark shadow.  

The thing you need to know is that you may be the family Scapegoat.  The family scapegoat is the fall guy for other people’s troubles.  If you are the family scapegoat, then the shadow you are trying to run from is not yours, but your family’s.  Specifically, the shadow of your family’s criticism – which you may have come to believe; your family’s rejection - that makes you question your lovability; and your family's shame - which can severely undermine your self worth..

 

Scapegoating occurs in families where one family member is falsely blamed for the problems of individual members or the group - such as abuse, neglect, addiction or mental illness.  Scapegoating enables the family members who point the finger to operate under the illusion that all is well with them, and that any family problems originate with the person targeted for scapegoating.  This is a primitive, and sometimes unconscious, psychological defense known as “projection”.  

Projection occurs when one person attributes another person with their own feelings, thoughts or behaviors.  For example, being told you are ‘selfish’ by a self-centered family member, when in truth you have made consistent efforts to be considerate.  Another example is being treated like you are stupid, mentally fragile or incompetent, when you may be one of the highest functioning members of your family.

Scapegoating usually starts in childhood.  Often a sensitive, vulnerable or independent child will be singled out to be the target of chronic blame and criticism.  Frequently it’s an adult who does the targeting, but it can also be a sibling or other caretaker.  The impact of this targeting on the scapegoated child is that they come to believe they are inadequate, defective or unlovable.  Scapegoating’s shadow further causes psychological harm as it shames the target, normalizes bullying, and prevents the development of healthy family relationships.

4 Ways Scapegoating Harms Targets - And How To Get Past the Pain

1. Self Identity:  Strong Inner Critic = Low Self Worth
   Scapegoating causes targets to question their identity, and possibly their value as human beings.  Self worth is instilled in childhood through the nurturance of parents and other caregivers.  If this support is absent and the target mostly receives messages that they are bad, defective, etc., they grow up with an abusive ‘Inner Critic’, who undermines their ability to see who they really are.
   Solutions:   Learn to recognize when the Inner Critic gets activated.  It is this voice that makes you doubt your adequacy and lovability as a human being, leading you to feeling anxious or depressed.  Note the trigger for activation.  Was it something going on within yourself, such as a negative attitude or belief you have about you?  Or was negative thinking triggered by an relationship dynamic, social situation or work?  Ask yourself “Is the thought or belief true?” and “Who’s voice does that really sound like?”  Hint:  It’s usually the voice of a scapegoater.  Look for evidence to the contrary to negative thinking.  In other words, proof that you are at least adequate, and likely a decent human being, with many positive traits. Identify and focus on those traits, especially when the inner critic gets going.  Make sure you have identified at least one example of exceptions to negative beliefs. These exceptions are solid evidence to the contrary of the belief system that makes you question your self worth.  
   
2. Shame:  Am I the ‘Bad Guy’?
   Closely related to identity and self worth, are experiences of shaming that many targets of scapegoating are subjected to, leading them to feel worthless or defective.  The good news is that the shame they are experiencing usually has nothing to do with them, but is more of a reflection of the ‘bad’ feelings of the scapegoater who, in order to alleviate themselves of responsibility, attributes their problems to the target. The bad news is that shame is very difficult to overcome on one’s own, as the target has usually bought into the false belief that on a fundamental level they are ‘bad’, and therefore irredeemable .
   Solutions:  Use the steps outlined in #1.  If you are struggling with Shame, and don’t know how to get over it on your own, consider working with a psychotherapist who understands Scapegoating dynamics and how to heal from the hurt.
   
3. Anger:  Molten Lava No More
   Most targets on some level, feel anger in response to being abused by scapegoating.  Sadly this anger is often misdirected towards themselves.  This anger can also range from a barely discernable feelings of resentment, to complete rage towards others who have mistreated them.  Anger is a normal response to being abused.  However you neither want to deny it, turn it on yourself, repress it or be consumed by it.
   Solutions:  If you feel angry in response to scapegoating ask yourself “What is this anger trying to tell me?”  “What do I need to feel, think or do in response to this anger to help myself feel better?”  Anger, like other emotions, is a messenger.  Anger’s job is to tells us that something is wrong and needs to be confronted, changed or avoided.  Once we understand this, we can then decide our course of action, usually whether we need to confront, stand our ground or withdraw from a situation.
   
4. Scapegoating and Relationships:  Who Can I Trust?  Who Should I Choose?
   People who have been scapegoated often have a hard time finding lasting intimate relationships or friendships. Due to having been bullied, targets wrestle with low self esteem and/or difficulty trusting others.  They often feel fearful when it comes to getting close to others.  As scapegoating is about constant fault finding by others, it sets up the target to feel anxious about relationships as s/he never feels emotionally safe, secure or loved.  It can also lead to choosing unsupportive friends or partners because these kinds of people feel ‘familiar’.  Unfortunately choosing ‘the devil you know’ leads to more anxiety, insecurity and self doubt.  Targets often lack reference points as to what a healthy relationship should look like. 
   Solutions:  Take your time getting to know others to discover if you can trust them over time.  You need to learn to recognize, choose and feel attracted to people who will love and appreciate you for who you are. Identify any individual family members with whom you think you might have a chance of building a healthy relationship with.  Do not spend time with critical, blaming, or unsupportive people, even though you may be drawn to them as they are the ‘devil you know’.  Focus on building your self esteem by realistically identifying your good qualities.  This will likely take a lot of practice.  However, in the long run, your ability to synchronize your inner with outer acceptance will be a strong antidote to anxiety.

Scapegoating and the Journey of Adulthood

Scapegoating interferes with healthy psychological development from childhood to adulthood.  The goal of any human being is to grow into a self assured individual who is capable of positive relationships.  Scapegoating interferes with this healthy growth.  Through individual understanding and action, including standing up to false, negative beliefs, learning to choose supportive relationships and limit or eliminate unhealthy ones, targets of scapegoating stand a good chance of reclaiming a positive relationship to themselves and others.

- See more at: http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/scapegoating-when-you-get-stuck-trying-to-outrun-someone-else%E2%80%99s-shadow#sthash.l2lIlXdP.dpufa