Cindy's Corner

I think I have a lot to say....

2012-02-13T22:37:00.002-08:00

Then I try to write a post and .......Nothing.

Everything is fine......

Money is fine.

Tessa is fine.

Rick and I are fine.

Work is fine.

Everything is....... Just fine.

I really have nothing to complain about.......

Other than when Tessa goes out for the night her cat goes crazy and won't stop meowing!!!

And it's the worst sounding meow ever!

Tessa was talking about when she moves out she wants a place by the water, but then she said, "Oh but then you could stay the night at my place." (Because the damp air hurts my bones.).......

So cute!

She wants to move out but wants her mommy to come and stay the night. :)

Wednesday

2012-02-01T17:20:00.002-08:00

Well even though I haven't posted things are going well around here.

Tessa is enjoying her job, she tells me it's like a family there, her boss is really good and funny.....

Yesterday she had a little bit of a bladder infection flare up but she tried to hide the pain she was in but he caught her....She tried to tell him that she was fine and he said "I have kids I know what you are doing, go home and go to the doctors."

She is doing fine.

Me.....

I'm fine.

Nothing really new to say......Oh!

This kind of doesn't fit with the new positive me......But I guess it does in a way too.

A couple of weeks ago I ended a friendship that never really was a good one, I mean she was a nice enough person but it was really hard to be a friend to her because EVERYTHING was a drama,

and it began to feel like the only time she wanted to see or talk to me was when she needed or wanted something from me so, after I hadn't heard from her in months even after I had tried to contact her several times she has her husband call me and ask if they could come to my house for Christmas Eve, and even though I knew that they were coming over just for free food and drink, I just couldn't say no, anyway while she was here plans were made to get together in the next couple of days and talk things out.... One week passes.....Two weeks pass and nothing again despite messages being left, I know people get busy but she could have returned one message saying she was busy but, no that didn't happen so I sent one last message and removed her from my FaceBook, and that got her attention but only because she had borrowed the lady I work for car and got in an accident and the car was written off, and of-course she didn't deal with it in the right way and things got pretty ugly between them, they both tried to drag me into it but I told the lady I work for it has nothing to do with me and she dropped it, the other one wouldn't leave me out of it so I I removed her from my life.....But of-course I am now the bad guy and never was a real friend....Whatever.

In the end it fits in with my new attitude of being positive, I don't need people like that in my life.

Monday

2012-01-23T14:58:00.002-08:00

I think the penny may have dropped for Tessa, she has done a full week of work and she doesn't feel very well today, she ate something with lemon in it by mistake last night, we only found out she was allergic last year, and when she eats it she really doesn't feel well for a couple of days.

despite that she is still going into work tonight.....In the past she would have let this take her out for days, she's not doing that this time and I am very pleased.

Sunday

2012-01-22T10:42:00.002-08:00

The rain came and washed all the nasty white stuff away....YAY!

It is still very cold but I can handle that. :)

Rick and I had a great evening together last night.

We had a Merlin marathon, I really enjoy that show and now so does Rick. :)

We also had Sushi delivered and a few drinks, it really was a very pleasant night.

Now back to reality, I have to go out in the cold and get cat food and liter but at least I CAN go out now, so it's all good. :)

I am

2012-01-20T13:24:00.002-08:00

So done with this damn evil white stuff, I can't even say....

I guess I got spoiled with the last couple of years where there wasn't too much to deal with, but now that it's going on a week with this mess on the ground and I'm DONE.

I have been lucky that if I need anything or if I have to go any where the lady I work for has either gotten it for me or taken me to get it, so I haven't ,lost my mind completely but it's getting close.

It's also a good thing that Tessa has been working for the last week so I get some alone time to get my brain back in my head once the little ones go home.

You know it's getting bad when you miss going to get your mail that is half a block away.

The Weekend that...

2012-01-16T16:44:00.002-08:00

Started out alright and then promised to be quite pleasant, ended up a little dull and quiet all because of the mass amount of evil white stuff on the ground......Hate. It.

Anyway after the kids left Friday night I was getting ready to go to bed early because I am still kind of fighting this damn cold.....Or more likely I should say this damn cough, it just won't go away.

Anyway I was just getting ready for bed when Rick called and told me to hop in cab and come to his place, at first I wasn't really into going until he said that his weekend was clear and he wanted to spend it with me, we haven't spent a lot time together for a while so I said OK and hopped into a cab.....On the way out there it started to snow, I wasn't too concerned but the cabbie was having a panic attack.....It wasn't sticking yet and he wanted to pull over, I said to him that he maybe should look into getting another job if the snow makes him so nervous.

Yeah I was being a little bitchy but I want to get where I was going and I wasn't going to let him pad the bill like that.

I get to Rick's and the evening went great I was treated to a back rub and Rye and Coke on demand, then when we woke up in the morning I looked out the window and pouted really hard.....It had DUMPED snow over night, so for various reasons we decided that it would be best if he drove me home a day early, we weren't happy about that, but as it is STILL snowing it was a good idea in the end.

So I had a very quiet and boring Sunday, I worked today.....I really hate being stuck in the house.

Damn!

2012-01-12T13:12:00.002-08:00

I missed a day.....Shit!

Day 6 (yesterday)

It was a beautiful but, cold day.
I went for a nice long walk and didn't need pain meds after.
I only had one kid for a couple of hours and she slept the whole time.
I got a call from someone I haven't talked to in a long time.

Day 7

I woke up to a really clean house,(Tessa wanted to surprise me.)
Got to sleep in.
I will have only one kid today for only a couple of hours again.
It is another sunny day.

I am finding that writing down the positive things of the day no matter how small they are has really helped my attitude I don't feel so stressed and I actually look forward to getting out of bed.....I haven't felt like that in a long.

It's nice.

Day 4....A day late.

2012-01-10T08:45:00.003-08:00

Yesterday (day 4)

figured out how to watch movies on line on the new lap top
both kids were so easy, the day went by in a flash
both kids were picked up earlier than usual
got the grocery shopping for the week done with money left over.

Start of day 5

payday is tomorrow
might have only one kid today
it is sunny out

Day3

2012-01-08T17:30:00.004-08:00

I am glad I am now sleeping more than 2 hours at a time.
it was really good that I could do all my running around today on just one bus ticket.
T3 's are my friend!
Homemade chicken soup really does work when you don't feel well.
Even though my house phone is not working is not good, the peace and quiet is great!

Now I'm off to have a cup of tea.

day 2

2012-01-07T12:21:00.002-08:00

I love my friends
I really like the fact I have neighbours I can count on
I am grateful I can still walk even if it is with a walker
I am really glad my happy pills work so well for me

Today I am going to do a lot of running around and cleaning, because I want tomorrow a true day off and I want to stay in bed for as long as I can.

I have to say this.

2012-01-06T15:14:00.003-08:00

I know I'm going to sound old and I might make some people mad.

but I have been sitting with this for a while and now that I can type comfortably I am just going to say it.

This generation of young people really make me angry, they way the treat their parents is disgusting!

Don't get me wrong my kid has walked over me so much I have permanent boot marks on my back but, there is no way in hell she would ever dream of telling me when and where I could go out or that I was a bad mother because I wanted a little bit of my own life now that my kid(s) are pretty much grown and have their own lives.

I am thinking of one friend as I write this but she is not the only parent I know that is going through something like this.

It just drives me crazy these kids and that's what they are regardless if they are 12 or 20, think

they can yell scream and treat their parents like crap even through said parents have been nothing but devoted to them......

Instead of saying "You deserve to have fun and meet new people." They say, "You need to stay home, and get your priorities straight."

The gull, the nerve, the disrespect of it all just makes my stomach turn.

I am

2012-01-06T11:12:00.002-08:00

loving my laptop!

It is small and easy to carry around and very, very comfortable for me to type on.

I am typing faster and better then I have in a long time.

Today I am going to start something new.

I'm going write down at least one positive thing about my day every day for one month I was going to say one year but, a month is a good start and then I will see how it goes from there.

I love my laptop
Mr. screamy (the new little boy I look after) wasn't so screamy today
I woke up just before my alarm so I didn't have to listen to the BEEP! BEEP! that drives me crazy!

See you later if I have more to add.

Hey there.

2012-01-05T19:46:00.003-08:00

I got myself a new toy!!!!

I went and bought myself a small laptop.....It is basically a net book but more powerful, now I don't have to wait for Tessa to be done or go out so I can use her computer......Yes, yes I know it's HER birthday (she is 20 today!!! HOLY CRAP!)

And it just happens that I got money I have been waiting for and ear marked for a new computer today....And I also got her birthday gift a month ago.

She is getting ready to go clubbing with her friends wearing it right now.

I don't want to jinx it but this year is looking good for her and I, she is going to start a good job in a few days and move into a really nice house (go to my last post to see it.) on the first of February.....I mean this house is beautiful.

Anyway, I have had a good day today.

This will be the house

2012-01-03T12:01:00.002-08:00

Tessa will be living in as of Feb 1

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rds/apa/2779252567.html

I am very excited for her.

This will be a great thing for her.

I will be an empty nester.......I feel old!!! LOL!

The Last day

2011-12-31T08:27:00.003-08:00

Of 2011.

And yet another year I'm glad to see over and done.

Tessa has a job and she will start training soon, she still needs to move out but I will give her time to get a couple of pay cheques.

Christmas went better than I thought it would......That maybe because I was drunk for 3 days straight, on the 27th I did not feel well but I had enjoyed my holiday damn it!

I had friends and neighbours over Christmas Eve and we ate, drank and laughed loudly til the wee hours of the morning. That night I realized (again) despite all the brick walls and warning signs I throw up there are people in my life willing to walk right through them and share good times and bad with me.

Then a couple of days later I smacked up side the head with how lucky I truly am when I was walking to the store and ran into another neighbour......She is in her 30's and mentally challenged, (but very capable.) the only family she has is a brother that lives about an hour away by bus...Anyway she was telling me that she made herself a nice big dinner Christmas Eve and was sure to have left overs for Christmas day because her brother couldn't come and get her, and the buses weren't running so she couldn't go to his house Christmas day.......I was gobsmacked!!! Her brother told her the buses weren't running and she believed him...Buses run Christmas day. Now I don't know why he would lie to her, but it doesn't matter no one should be alone on Christmas.

Then I read about a dear friend who was alone and without power........And my heart broke.

Love you my friend ((Mo)) and I wish I lived closer.

As for tonight I will be spending it alone as far as I know right now and that is more than OK with me.

Hears to starting the New Year with peace and quiet!.

My deepest wish for all my friends far and wide is that 2012 is gentle, kind and prosperous for us all!

This is the hardest entry......

2011-11-19T17:50:00.007-08:00

I have been the best mother I know how to be, as understanding and supportive as I could be.
Let things slide, waited for things to change, hoped that with time that something would finally click and she would realise she can't keep doing nothing and making excuses.
Well It looks like I gave her one too many chances.... She had a job handed to her, but because she got stuck doing dishes and because the person she talked to about it didn't jump and say; "Oh! I'll fix your problem for you!" She quit after only 10 days....

I had warned her that if she quit this job before finding another, I would kick her out....And that is what I have done.

Did I want to do it? No.
Am I hurting? Yes.
Do I think I have done the right thing? Yes.

I have fought with her for so long about so many things I just can't do it any more...

It is time for me to force her to grow up and figure this stuff out on her own.
For years I have paid money for schooling she didn't finish, because "It wasn't the right fit." Only to pay for the next coarse that doesn't get finished because "It's not what she needs." Or Whatever....
Then she sits for weeks and weeks doing nothing but put a few resumes out on line.

And I am left to clean the house, do the dishes, and laundry and to feel like I am a failure because I can't keep food on the table.

Right about now I would be pulling out the decorations and getting them sorted to be put up, but I'm not doing that I am gathering boxes to pack up my daughters things.... I guess my best wasn't good enough, and I did fail her.

Very early Sunday

2011-11-06T01:37:00.002-07:00

I can't sleep because I slept all day, I don't know why I couldn't get myself out of bed, I tried. But I just couldn't move so I just stayed in bed until way too late in the day....But when I got up I felt much better.
So I was able to get a couple of things done.

Hey there....

2011-11-03T08:22:00.003-07:00

My birthday was a quiet low key day but, it was nice.
Then the next day I learned that I could very well be out of a job in a month...
Yet again.
But as I was sitting there quietly freaking the hell out trying to figure out what to do...(not really a good idea when you're freaking out.)
Tessa comes home from a friend's house and tells me she starts a training program in the morning AND they will pay her and give her a bus pass....PHEW! I can breath again! At least she is taken care of but, I still have to figure out what to do for myself. But as long as Tessa is sorted out I can breath a little easier.
I know that's not a lot to say after being gone for so long......
I just don't have a lot to say........Not a whole lot positive anyway.....
Sorry.

Monday

2011-09-26T11:34:00.003-07:00

I have been working, and working but I have yet to see payment for September..... It's not the mother's fault, (this time).

I'm getting really tired of this.....But I can't quit, one I'm not a quitter, and two I need this job in the worst way.

The bad part of this is that the mother knows this, so she kind of has me by the short hairs........

There are a few things I could do to even the field, but then the kids don't get to do things they are used to doing....... But I can't do that to them.

The next thing Tessa and I have to do is find a co- signer for her school loan, but really that's not going to happen unless she keeps a job for at least a year and saves a good chunk of money.

But of course Tessa can't seem to find a job.

I am trying really, really hard to keep positive and not let things get to me, for the most part it's working, but some days it's really hard.

Hi again

2011-09-17T13:35:00.002-07:00

I have figured out that it is easier to blog from my old cell phone, I can't use it as a phone but it does have wi fi and won't crash like my lap top does.
Like I said before I don't have a lot to say right now, but you will see more pots from me now I have figured this out.

Hi

2011-09-17T12:54:00.002-07:00

I'm still around, I just don't have a lot to say.
I'm still looking after the baby as well as her older brother, wich means a little more money.
So Iam able to get a basic cell phone.....Tessa will not get her hands on it.

In Other News

2011-09-01T17:37:00.003-07:00

Did u know that the people that seem the strongest are usually the most sensitive ?~ Did u know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to get mistreated ? ~Did u know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones that need it the most ? ~ Did u know the 3 hardest things to say are: I love you, I'm sorry and Help me ? Not easy huh ? ~

I have a friend who I swear is April in another body!

The other day when this friend was over I almost asked her to leave because she was acting so much like April it was creeping both Tessa and I out.

I have come to the conclusion I am not meant to have a computer....

I HATE THIS THING I am using right now.

It just blows

2011-09-01T17:30:00.002-07:00

my mind how clueless people can be sometimes.....

And that's all I'm going to say right now.

A funny thing happened....

2011-08-19T10:17:00.002-07:00

On the way to the lab yesterday......

I was waiting at the cross-walk and there was this woman in a SUV waiting to turn sitting half way IN the crossing mind you, I looked right at her I THOUGHT she looked right back at me...

The little man lights up, it's my turn to walk..... Of course I have to walk around this woman's car....And just as I'm right in front of her she moves......She hits the breaks and doesn't hit me, but her bumper is as close to my hip as it can get without actually touching me, I of course step back right into a pot hole and go down, the woman jumps out of her car and another runs from across the street to help me.....

I tell them both "She didn't hit me, but I think she needs glasses!"

The driver says: "I didn't see you."

I say, " I looked right at you, and it looked like you saw me too."

I was kind of pissed off and just wanted to get done what I had to get done and go home.

Anyway....

I go to the lab, first stopping at the pharmacy for a pack of gum, get on the elevator, go to the wrong floor, go to the right floor give the lab tech my card and just as I sit down to wait for my name to be called this GORGEOUS EMT walks in and asks me if I was just out side, and if I am hurt in anyway, I tell him yes I was and no I'm not hurt.....Someone had called it in.....I felt bad for wasting their time......But MAN! Was he good looking!!!!!!

I lost IT,

2011-08-09T09:56:00.002-07:00

Yesterday.

I could not take one more thing and that "one" more thing was put on my shoulders, and I crumpled and when I reached for a helping hand there wasn't one....... I wasn't really surprised just really disappointed and hurt.

So this morning I have picked myself up , like I have so many times and let the people that need to know, I will be there as a friend and a friendly ear, but THAT's it.

I feel horrible and it goes against my nature, but right now I can barely take care of what I need to take care for my family......So taking on someone else's problems just isn't going to happen.

A couple of people are angry with me but I can't worry about that anymore.

I don't know

2011-08-07T20:30:00.002-07:00

I have been feeling, just out of sorts, and something HAS got to give or I will, I'm done fighting to keep everything together for everyone else and myself all by myself.....Done, I'm just DONE.t Not that anyone really cares.......not that it really matters either.

I shouldn't have done it

2011-08-02T21:37:00.003-07:00

I know I am VERY fair in what I charge for child care......and really I can't charge more then I do because it would mess with my pension.

And I knew I would be unhappy if I ever keep track of how many hours I have the kid and what I got paid per hour.

Well.....

Dumb-ass me, did just that. And I was right......

I make much less an hour then your average 14 yr old does for Mr. & Mrs. Jones' weekly night out....

I am very unhappy.

If I didn't need that piddly amount so f*$*King badly I would quit.

Tuesday

2011-08-02T10:09:00.002-07:00

Well I am working today....Having a job is good but, I do feel a little trapped in this little bubble. I know I have friends and that they care about me as I care about them, they are very important to me.

But.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm always there for everyone, can be counted on for almost anything, I don't have anyone there for me in the same way, I don't mean to sound selfish or whinny but I am just tired of feeling alone in a crowd.

Monday

2011-08-01T12:25:00.001-07:00

And I have the day off so I will be puttering around the house, cleaning, throwing stuff out and probably drinking too much coffee.....Tessa has gone to the beach with her boy friend, I really wanted her to mow the lawn but I would rather her get out and get some sun, she is so pale she glows in the sun light. She did promise to do it when she got home. I might just go out myself I haven't decided yet.... Or I just might dye my hair.

On the 29th my sister and I are going to the PNE to see Kenny Rogers....Well that and to tool around the Fair.

It's a yearly thing now to choose a show and go for that day, because as my "helper" she gets into the Fair for free and I get in for almost nothing....You still spend to much money on all the goodies and games (we don't do the rides), but it's a good time and if you live here it is a MUST to go to the PNE every year. It is almost a right of passage that if you grow up in the greater Vancouver area one of your first jobs is at the PNE.

Saturday

2011-07-23T09:06:00.002-07:00

And it's finally sunny, I was really beginning to wonder where the hell Summer was.

I used to hate the heat.....That was before arthritis kicked in, now I crave it!

Next week I don't have the baby but I do have her older brother because mother and baby are going on a "Mommy and me" camping trip, then the week after that the boys are going to sleep away camp.....I miss camping!

The month of August I actually have quite a few days off, so I think I will be spending a lot of time outside with a book just soaking up some rays and vitamin D.

I do take the kids to the park, but it's not the same.....

Maybe I can talk Tessa into going to English Bay with me, we haven't been there in years....Then there's PlayLand as well. I hope the weather holds.

Sunday night/Tuesday morning

2011-07-17T20:46:00.006-07:00

I have been sitting here for days and days trying to blog, but I just don't know what to say......

In 4 days it will be one year since my mum died....... As I typed that I realized when the funk I have been for the last week or so came from.

That last paragraph was written 2 days ago, I'm kind of out of that funk now.....kind of.

Saw the orthopedic surgeon yesterday.

No surgery for me, just more cortisone shots when the pain comes back, not IF mind you but WHEN....Nice huh?

I haven't seen Rick in about 2 weeks , I know he's been crazy busy at work but he is good about calling me back when I call but I have called him 3 times and he hasn't gotten back to me.......When he does finally call because I know he will, him and I are going to have some ISSUES.

My bull-shit tolerance level has always been low....Right now it's non-existent.

Hi

2011-07-13T10:44:00.002-07:00

Lately I have been feeling really alone, not lonely but alone.

It's good I'm working again, it's all I do.....I miss my friends.

Tessa is working, so that's good.

The baby is THE easiest kids I have ever looked after, so again good.

But I am bored out of my mind!

I'm going to look into maybe taking a course or two......I just don't know what I want to take at the moment.........I not sure what I'd be good at......I guess I just have to dive in a find out. Right?

The meeting

2011-07-05T01:09:00.003-07:00

Between Tessa and her father went really well......Other then she found it a little strange to look across the table and see her eyes looking back at her.

She says that she really doesn't know what to think, but she thought the interaction between him and I was really funny.....In a good way. Him and I have always bickered, not in a nasty way just good natured ribbing, so Tessa spent a lot of the evening laughing at us.

But because this meeting went so well they are going to meet again and I don't have to be there.

We will see how this goes....

2011-06-28T15:40:00.003-07:00

My darling daughter decided that she couldn't wait for the mail strike to be over,(or for me to decide I wanted this stuff back.) and took it upon herself to get cable, internet, and phone in her name. WITHOUT telling me.

So Friday I came home from the coffee shop to a strange man in my house and a new phone number.......I have had my old number for so long, I will miss it!

I told her that she took this on without talking to me, so now this is her responsibility, and she better get her ass in gear and get to getting steady shifts at work because I won't be paying this bill. I have too many things to catch up on to worry about something we really don't need.

So like I said. We will see how this goes.

Such is my life......

2011-06-23T11:21:00.003-07:00

Don't get me wrong here I am not complaining, not in the least because things have a weird way of working themselves out.

Because of the postal strike, my pay cheque for the last 2 months of work is stuck in limbo some where so the money I promised my cable and internet company never showed up, so at 2:30 am, they disconnected me.

Like I said I'm not complaining because all I have to do is wait for the baby to take her nap and walk to the coffee shop (with the baby in the stroller.) and TA DA! I'm online.

Now there are many benifits to this:

-I save money

-I get out of the house

-More things get done around the house

-This just maybe the thing that gets Tessa up and out of the house more often.

-She will try harder to find a job.

-She won't be up all night talking on skype.

Yes I will miss my shows but I'll live.

So really it's not all that bad.

See ya later!

(probably tomorrow)

Hey there....

2011-06-19T15:14:00.003-07:00

I took my time didn't I?

It took a LONG time but I finally got my laptop fixed and fixed right.

Now I don't have to fight with Tessa for computer and I can sit in my comfy recliner ad just type.....LOVE IT!

Like I said in my last post the baby I look after is the easiest kid I have ever looked after.....I almost feel guilty getting paid....Almost but not quite...LOL.

By the end of the week I am real tired, but it's all good, because I rather be worn out from being busy instead of being bored out of my mind.

Once I get all caught up, in about a month or so ( as long as I stick to the very strict budget I set for myself.)

I will be able to SAVE money.....It's been a very long time since I could say that, and it feels really good! :)

I also just have to say there was nothing special about today....(Yes I know it's Father's Day, but I really want to think about that right now.) But it really has been a pretty good day. And for that I am thankful.

June 5

2011-06-05T21:49:00.004-07:00

Hey, how is everyone doing?
I'm doing okay now that I'm working again, the baby is one of easiest kids I have ever looked after.

A couple of months ago I went and got 2 cortizone shots in my knee, they worked a treat!
I can almost walk without my cane.....I'm too scared to try it outside yet but I think I'm getting there.

Finally it has started to warm up here we have been having one wet Spring!
I really need to move to a drier area.

Short and sweet I know, I'm sure once I get in the swing of things again my posts will get longer.

be kind to eachother (((hugs)))

Ok so I'm back

2011-05-31T12:49:00.003-07:00

I have tried all day to post, and now finally I can.

I'm back working and it's going well.

I'm not quite caught up yet but I can see the light at the end.

I was able to get online sometimes through my nieghbour's wi-fi, but it wasn't that reliable, it would only work at odd hours and then only for short periods of time it was frustrating and it's nice to have mine back.

I am more then old enough, to understand the ways of the world......But I still don't understand why people use people that care about them and then when they don't need them or the other person can no longer give them what they need or want they leave....In effect throwing away that person and their love and support.....It has happened to me in the past, and I can see it happening to at least 2 friends of mine right now and it breaks my heart.

So just venting here.

2011-04-18T14:19:00.003-07:00

No surgery, just an x-ray and a VERY expensive (not covered by medical) shot, then we wait and see. So until I get working which I hope will be soon, I am having my cable and Internet suspended on Wednesday. Hopefully I will be back in two months, maybe sooner.....I just have no other option....Hate it. And I feel like a failure......... But you know what? We'll live, and things will get better......They have too. See you all soon.

Sooo.

2011-04-10T15:17:00.001-07:00

Very tired, just so.......... tired.

Still waiting to be OK.....

2011-04-08T15:00:00.002-07:00

It's not like I have just sat around and just waited, I have done everything in my power to make things easier, I have jumped through every hoop I was told to jump through, put up with invasions of my privacy, and a bunch of other bull only to be smacked down yet AGAIN. I no longer have a cell phone because there is just no money for it, and I am hanging on a wing and a prayer that I can keep the cable, Internet, and house phone going for the next 2 months or so (until I get my first cheque from my child care job)...They are all on one bill so I better do the best I can eh? I will hopefully know more about my knee next Friday, but the way things have gone for me of late I'm half expecting to hear yet AGAIN. "There is nothing we can do for you." See? This is why I haven't blogged, I am not in a very positive frame of mind. Sorry.

Since I was last here.

2011-03-25T22:07:00.006-07:00

-- The man that gave me my very first real job passed away.

-- His great grandson (I helped raise for the first 10 yrs of his life.)tried to hang himself and was put in the psych ward.

-- A very dear friend and neighbour passed away from a blood clot that went to his heart, he was fine one minute taking his MIL home and the next he was dead. This Co-Op was stopped cold in it's tracks, and everyone here is still in shock almost a month later. He was such a nice man and he was always ready to give a helping hand and always on the go always with a smile on his face. He is sorely missed here.

-- Tessa had a complete meltdown, picked herself up and finally got her life going in the right direction.

-- Then I had a huge fight with my psycho sister, and refused to talk to her for over 2 weeks, then she phoned and apologized because she wanted to come and work in my garden and yard because she doesn't have one any more.
I reluctantly agreed and she promised not to yell and scream and fight with Tessa, because we both knew she would ask Tessa to help, Tessa would say no and all hell would break lose. So like I said she promised she wouldn't fight. And for the first day she did great, but the next day was VERY different.

It got to the point that I had step in between them, and a neighbour came over ready to call the police. I sent my psycho sister away and I think if she comes over here again I may have to call the police to remove her.

She even told me that she had some money put away for me but she wasn't going to give it to me unless I kick Tessa out.

I know and understand why my siblings think I should kick Tessa out, but I know what is going on with Tessa and if they think I would choose them or money over my kid no matter how old she is then they know me even less than I thought they did and they are worse parents than I thought they were. And I am done, so done in fact I am not going to my SIL's 50th birthday party or my niece's wedding......
So yeah, maybe you can see why I haven't blogged.
But other then all that I'm doing OK.

Hi

2011-03-07T01:40:00.001-08:00

I'm still around.

So here it is....

2011-02-09T09:05:00.002-08:00

Way back in May shortly after I got my beautiful new (hard) floors I tripped over the cat.....It really hurt at the time but honestly I thought I just bruised it badly on the inside because there was no surface bruising, just a lot of swelling, and me being who I am thought Okay I'll just do the ice/heat thing and if it doesn't get better in a week or so I'll go see the doctor....But in between that time and the time it took get an appointment, (longer than usual because said Doc was on vacation.)
My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, but you guys know this.
So with that and the fact my siblings thinking I was faking or being lazy never gave me a long enough break to get it check out, the one time I did take the time to TRY and see my doctor, everyone including Tessa bailed on me and I was charged $25 for the missed appointment, well that was until I told my Doc what was going on and I did`t have to pay it.
Anyway, after Mum passed I took a little more time but finally got an x-ray, it only showed extreme wear and tear....But We know that.... And this pain and weakness is more then that....So a bone scan was ordered, appointment to see an orthopedic surgeon was set up.

*note*
It took 2 months to get the scan
3 months to see the ortho (I see him on the 19th of this month
And it has taken 3 months to get into a general surgeon to have a nasty little lump removed from my leg.... That gets removed and biopsied on April 1st. (No body freak out it`s just a fat-calcium deposit, and the only reason it`s being removed is that it`s pressing on a nerve.)

*Free* medical...Yeah right.

ANY WAY.
I got the results from the the bone scan show that I, in fact broke my knee when I fell....And the reason (my doc thinks) I didn`t feel more pain than I did when it happened is the the massive swelling that happened, either that or I have a higher pain tolerance then anyone he`s ever met....I don`t know it hurt (and still does) pretty bad.
So yeah, I`ve been walking (limping) around on a broken knee since May....
This is good news to me because that means it`s FIXABLE and I won`t have to live in this morphine-pain induced haze for the rest of my life and I am VERY happy about that.

Yes I'm OK.

2011-02-03T15:23:00.002-08:00

But really a better description would be I'm waiting to be OK.

Where to start?

2011-01-29T15:07:00.004-08:00

I have HAD a DAY that has lasted almost a month......
Need to be rescued because well disability/child support messed up and didn't notify each other let alone me as to what was going on and when I said, "OK fine when do I get a replacement cheque." They said, " You don't. You didn't fill out the form in time." Then came two days of going around in circles of how could I fill out the form in time if I didn't know what was happening until 2 weeks AFTER the deadline, but according to child support they notified disability, before the deadline, disability said they didn't......Needless to say I had to be pulled off a cliff, not by my so called family or my boyfriend but by someone that I have only spoken to on the phone but not seen in 10 years....And as They are pulling me up Tessa goes sailing passed me...I can't say anything about it other then her boyfriend wasn't far behind her....I kind of caught them both....Barely.
I know this is kind of cryptic and all but I'm trying to type this with Tess breathing down my neck to get on the computer.
I will say more when she goes to work.

Birthday recap

2011-01-09T00:15:00.004-08:00

I know it's been a few days but I'm here now, so here we go....
At first Tessa thought it was just going to be Rick and I taking her to the pub for dinner and a few drinks..... But that turned out not to be the case.
My brother, his wife and my sister surprised her and joined us.

The 3 of us get to the pub and as we sit down Rick orders 4 drinks one for himself (coffee) one for me (double rye and ginger) and two for Tessa (double rye and coke, and a shooter.)

Now the rules of the 19th birthday around here are;
1. You drink whatever is put in front of you.
2. Don't ask what it is, just down it.

The rest of them get there and as each person sits down they order Tessa two drinks, and for some reason they all decided that I needed to keep up with Tessa so what ever she got I got as well........OIY!!!!!!
Anyway, as we are feeding her all these drinks she says, "Oh by the way I have a 3 hour job interview at 8:30 tomorrow morning."............

Ummm. Okay. FOOD!
So we order a bunch of different pub-grub type of things, and continued with getting loud and funny, trying to one up each other with trying to mortify Tessa or my brother, (both are just too easy.)
But I do believe Tessa won that game by saying "I've done 6 bl0w j0bs..." (when asked how many shooters she had.
My brother just about died on the spot. And told her NEVER to say something like that around him again.
Tessa really did have a good day....

Made up with her best friend. (whom she had, had a fight with NYE.)
Got woken up with gifts and a blazing jumbo blueberry muffin smothered in whipped cream.
Got a job interview.
Won $50 on pull-tabs.
Had a fun time with the old people at the pub.
Went to her friends house (where there was more drinking.)

THEN. After all that and no sleep she had a shower and hopped on the the bus at 6:30 in the morning did the 3 hour interview and landed the job.

Ahhhhh! To be 19.......

19

2011-01-05T09:47:00.002-08:00

When the HELL did that happen?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY GIRL!

Another year almost done

2010-12-30T10:00:00.003-08:00

The month of December has draaaaaged every day has felt like a week.....
Yesterday I woke up ready to go for my bone scan.... Until I looked out the window, 3 to 4 inches of the evil white stuff and tons still falling from the sky......SHIT!
I phone the hospital and hoped against hope that I wouldn't have to wait 6 months to get in again, I lucked out and got an appointment for the 17th of January.

Our Christmas was a low-key affair.
Tessa went to her boyfriend's house for Christmas Eve dinner, then in the morning we opened our stockings and I made Belgian waffles for breakfast, then we lazed around for a bit and hopped on the bus to my brother's for dinner, didn't stay all that long because my brother's step son is a punk-ass low life idiot that made staying any longer than an hour impossible.
My poor nephew Ryan was so sad he made me cry, he misses my Mom so much. I walked in the door and he latched on to me and wouldn't let go, his girlfriend Magnolia (Mags) drove me home.
I wasn't home 10 minutes when Rick called and said, "Get in a cab and come out here." So I did and didn't come back home until late in the afternoon, Tessa and I hugged and she was off to another friends house for a Boxing Day party........

The ones I miss everyday.....
My Dad
April
My Mom
Ami

christmas pic

2010-12-24T10:45:00.003-08:00

Merry Christmas!!!

2010-12-23T21:39:00.002-08:00

I am here watching " A Christmas Carol" circa 1951, and listening to Tessa and her boy friend having a rousing Skype convertation with other gaming art nerds... So, I'm stuck blogging from my phone, not that I mind all that much.
The bf has been here every night this week.... I would like one night of peace, I'll get it tomorrow as Tessa is going to his house for Christmas Eve dinner.

I hope everyone has a warm and wonderful holiday.
(((Hugs))) To all!

Here I am again

2010-12-18T23:20:00.004-08:00

I find it funny that two people that I thought of as friends for a long time, one of wich I looked after and protected when she was younger are now showing their true colours over something as stupid as me getting my house fixed up.
These two have always thought they were better than me just because they work outside of the home and make more money then I do.
And now my house is finally looking the way I have always wanted and worked very hard along with 3 others to get it like this.
Anyway..
I invited them over for my yearly holiday open house, and they both declined because they were "busy" but in later convertations it comes out that they just didn't feel like coming, but maybe we'll get together in the new year.
Yeah right!
I know it's about them thinking I got something they feel I don't deserve because I don't work outside the home.......They both seem to forget that at one time they couldn't have worked without me working from home.
It's just stupid.

I'm going to try this again

2010-12-18T21:24:00.001-08:00

I tried to do this before, but I didn't like the spelling and structure mistakes.
But Because I am having trouble actually typing on the computer, I'm going to sit nice and comfy in my bed and tap out a blog. bare with me OK?
the house still looks great. I have finished all my Christmas shopping such as it was.
Tessa has started school again, so hopefully she will finally graduate in a couple of months.
It has snowed again but it won't stick, wich is really good.

outside pics

2010-12-13T21:26:00.003-08:00

I can

2010-12-13T08:47:00.003-08:00

Blog from my phone!
It took me a week to figure out, but I did it!

Some house pics

2010-12-08T09:06:00.005-08:00

Ricks says, "Christmas came and puked in my house."

Tessa says, "Nah. It just came and left it's clothes on the floor."

I say, "It's not done yet."

The house

2010-12-05T11:21:00.002-08:00

IS DONE!!!!
It has been painted, cleaned (as in gutted) and organized within an inch of it's and everyone else's life, it has been HELL but IT'S DONE.
One of the cats has had an allergic reaction to the dry-wall dust and had to be taken to the vet for an antihistamine and cream for her eyes.
Tessa ran away to a friends for the weekend I left the house for 3 hours one night and scared the hell out of my sister, but I had had enough of her crap and had to get out.
The smallest stupidest thing would set her off, and she wouldn't stop until her voice cracked.....

But like I said the house is done and picturs are coming as soon as I can get Tessa to take and post them.

My house is pretty!

still in painting HELL

2010-11-29T23:43:00.003-08:00

My sister is BAT CRAP CRAZY!
I will be very glad when the New year comes and I won`t ever have to see her again.

More snow

2010-11-25T08:11:00.003-08:00

It's -2C.....And snowing.
I'm stuck in my torn apart house with my sister, her friend, and Tessa......This should be a bonding sisterhood, mother/daughter thing but it's not......far, far from it.
My knee is getting worse by the day and still haven't got a call from the Doc about the bone scan or when I go see the surgeon.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends.
I hope you all enjoy good food, and time with friends and family.

Mo,
I almost hoped the on the next bus going across the border after your text last night, and if my sister didn't have a dentist appointment today she would have drove us down there (right to your house) this morning. Miss you!!!

.........

2010-11-20T10:20:00.001-08:00

STRANDED

Wednessday

2010-11-17T07:43:00.002-08:00

So I went to the Doctor on Monday.

I expected him to say. "Yeah you messed up your knee but all you need to do is physio and a brace" ..... Both things I would hate but I could handle for the most part.

Did he say that?

No.

I have to have a bone scan and see a specialist and more than likely have my knee replaced......I looked at him and said " I tripped over the f*cking cat! And now I have to have my knee replaced?"

For some reason this just doesn't sit well with me..........I might as well stop dying my hair now.

It's Monday....

2010-11-15T09:30:00.003-08:00

And even though I'm not working.....It sucks hairy, sweaty, moldy monkey balls!

I have gone a full week without pain meds, two days without coffee, 4 days without cigarettes (yes I started again, but I'm trying to kick them again.)

My body feels like it`s been beaten with a spiked club.
I`m going to see my Doc to day to see if I need surgery on my knee or just physio, I will be able to get the pain meds, so that should take care of the pain and the headache from the coffee withdrawal.
Rick went to Ozzy last night, and I know he took the day off work.......I think I will call him and let the phone ring and ring.......*evil grin*

Very early Sunday morning

2010-11-14T05:36:00.002-08:00

I have been up since 3 am........I am very tired but I can't sleep, my knee is killing me and I miss my Ami.
I handed her over to her new family yesterday she fit right in and I know she will be happy with them, and that they will take very good care of her.
She has a fenced in yard that she can run around in without being on a chain, and she discovered she likes running up and down stairs.
And after a little bit of adjustment time I can go visit her.
Even though I am sad, like I said before this is the best thing for Ami and that is what matters.

Ami update.

2010-11-10T09:32:00.002-08:00

I have found a good home for Ami.
They live in my complex.
And I know they will keep her loved up, busy and healthy.
I know it's the right thing to do, but it still hurts.

Hello......

2010-11-06T19:00:00.003-07:00

Things are still more or less the same around here...
Tessa is slowly but surely getting through her grade 12 work and looking for work... I wish she'd hurry up with both because I don't start work until May now and the way I'm feeling that might just be pulled out from under me too.....Who knows, I have to wait and see, try to be positive but it's hard sometimes.
My sister is still being a controlling bitch from hell, but I only have to put up with it until just after the New Year. Then, THEN. She will have her eyes opened and hopefully she will see she can't treat people the way she does just because she does some "nice" things for people......
Tessa just read this over my shoulder and pointed out that I just maybe shooting myself in the foot, but you know what? I DON'T CARE. I'm sick of it and it needs to stop. I would do it now if there weren't so many other things going on, that it just doesn't make any sense to add a major shit-storm to the mix.
Some of the things I'm going to do in the next month or so:
Legally change my last name. (No I'm not getting married)
Do physio for my my knee that just won't work any more.
Find a new home for Ami. (I don't want too, I have too and it is breaking my heart.)
Finally get my house painted (on the inside)
Participate more in my Co-Op.
And maybe just maybe get a real life.

I'm going to try and blog more

2010-10-23T10:42:00.002-07:00

I know during the time I didn't have my happy pills it was very hard to blog.....My nerves felt like they were on the very edge of my skin, and without the buffer of the pills it was very hard to deal with the crap my siblings (and have always) put on me.
Does their behaviour surprise me?
Not really.
But I was truly disappointed and disgusted by the one who ALWAYS puts themselves above the rest of us, showing their true colours....Because despite everything else I thought this was the one sibling I could trust........Yeah stupid me.

Anyway.....
I now have my happy pills and they are doing their job quite nicely, thank you very much.
I didn't know that you had with drawl from these suckers......And it was NASTY! I describe it to my doctor like this:
"It was like the lid was blown off the box of my emotions, and everything was spilling out faster than I could deal with, but once the the lid was put back on with the help of the the pills, I was able to deal with what I needed to, the way I needed to. IE calmly."
Now I am going to put my energies where they belong.......With Tessa and myself, and making our little family unit the best I can, and screw the rest.

I know it's been a while

2010-10-15T08:49:00.004-07:00

I just can't seem to make myself sit and write a blog.
There are lots of things I want to write about but it is all jumbled in my head and when I try to put order to it and write it out it all sounds like "Poor me!" Pity party crap that YES! Is tearing me apart, causing a nasty bout of depression, but still comes out petty and selfish.
I pride myself on NOT being petty, I can't say I'm not selfish at times, we all are at one time or another but petty is not a word I would ever have used to describe myself.....That is until I try and write out what has been going on lately.......
I won't give the details right now, I will in another blog when just thinking about it doesn't make me want to cry, vomit and throw things all at the same time.
Suffice it to say....
I am very alone, and my trust in people that are supposed to be closest to me is gone.

Comments

2010-10-03T11:37:00.003-07:00

I don't get a lot of comments here and for the most part I'm okay with that, sometimes I'm not but whatever it doesn't really matter.
If people want to comment they can, it they don't want to then they don't have to.

Mo wrote a post about anonymous comments, they suck!

In my comment to her I said:

The other day I got an anonymous comment that said, "Stop blogging and get a job."
I deleted it but it has bugged me for days...Not because it was mean but because they were too chicken to leave their name.
I believe if someone feels the need to voice their opinion good, bad or ugly then they should have the balls to own it and leave their name.....

I think that's all I need to say right now.

Today

2010-10-02T16:00:00.003-07:00

Would have been my Mum`s 70th Birthday........
Today is a hard day.

Hello

2010-09-27T00:08:00.016-07:00

Well my sister paid my bills which is really good, and I can breath for a minute or two......No, really it has helped me a lot.
It's funny though, I never really paid attention to how or what my siblings thought of me.....I mean yeah, I knew they thought of me as the spoiled little sister, not to be listened too and even though that PISSED me off I put it down to being the little sister, but without the buffer of our Mother I can see now that they really don't know me. And now they have to deal directly with me they are surprised.....You see instead of talking to ME and asking ME they would go through my mother.....And my mother had a habit of making things sound worse then they were or she thought she was being helpful by telling them I needed this or that, but not telling them that I was working on getting it myself so a lot of the time I ended up with two or three of the same thing and not allowed to say anything because my mother asked me not too.

Anyway, they are finding out that I'm not as useless or helpless as they believed.
Like with this bill thing, my sister thought it was going to be a lot worse then it was and to be honest so did I, but that was only because I don`t get paper bills and I forgot my passwords and I was too chicken to find out just how much I owed, I knew I was behind and that was bad enough, after my last hydro disconnection notice every time I got money I put what I could on the bills sacrificing and doing without, so by this point instead of being three months behind I was only one month behind on one bill, a week late on another and I actually had a 20 dollar credit on the cell. Really if I waited until the end of October I would have been all caught up all on my own.
But even though the amount my sister paid out was way less then she thought it would be I still had to hear about it..... How irresponsible I was and I better remember Mon isn`t here anymore to bail me out, and there isn`t an endless supply of money out there...yadda, yadda, yadda......

Honestly.

For not having a job for the last five months, not to mention that what I got paid was cut in half almost a year before that, I haven`t done too bad, not great but not bad either.
But as I started out saying, it`s kind of funny now they are getting to know the real me, they don`t know how to handle it and they keep trying to shove me back in this little box they`ve always had me in, well I just don`t fit in that f*cking box and I never did.

new hair

2010-09-23T11:19:00.002-07:00

I have cut all my hair off, it is very short and for the time being blond.
Walking home yesterday I got stopped over and over again and told how good it looks and how much it suits me.....I get home, Rick is here and he HATES it. *bubble burst*.
Not that it really matters but I'm really going to piss him off when I dye it dark....Or maybe electric blue. Humph!

I will put a picture up when Tessa takes one I can handle being seen.

hey again

2010-09-19T23:29:00.003-07:00

Well my sister phoned me the other day and asked me to get together my bills and to tell her what I'm behind on and she will pay them down because the insurance money should come in soon.
Now this is great and I am very grateful don't get me wrong, but this her way of controlling things and a very sneaky way of not keeping her word, but in her mind she is.
I say this because to catch my bills up will only take a fraction of what I would have gotten if she split it fairly amongst us.
Again it was left in her name and it's hers to do with what she wants, and paying down my bills will help me a lot and give me room to breath until I start my job again.
What I don't like about all this is her not keeping her word and treating me like a child, she's not just giving me the money to put on my bills, she wants the account numbers and she will pay them.....Nice to be trusted eh?

hey....

2010-09-13T23:37:00.003-07:00

Life goes on as usual, still no word about the insurance or the job.

Tessa has to have dental surgery, her jaw has to be realigned either by replacing a disk or breaking her jaw, it's 50/50 on that one and we have to get it done before she turns 19, that's only 4 months away so they are going to do it while she is HEAVILY sedated not under general because she wouldn't get in before her birthday......Gotta love hospital waiting lists.

I have shut down emotionally, I don't feel anything at the moment, good, bad or indifferent, I'm just doing what I have to do, I'm not sure what to do about it or even if I want to do anything about it, because when I`m not emotional I`m not stressed......Yeah there are things I should be very stressed about but I just can`t seem to bring myself to care enough to stress about them.
I will either get the job and or the money and things will work out easily or they won`t and I have to be alright with that and all that will come with it.

Not much to say these days

2010-09-04T17:21:00.005-07:00

Still working on not smoking, I say working because it is work......When I don't want to either to kill people or eat every thing in sight then I will consider myself quit.
I still don't what's going on with my job or the life insurance money and it's driving me crazy.....

I don't mean to sound greedy about the money I just want to know either way, if I'm getting some great, if not that will suck, but not surprising and life will go on. When I ask about either I get ignored.......Why is it so easy for people to ignore me?

I guess I really am invisible.

Yesterday's post

2010-08-31T16:34:00.002-07:00

Wasn't about one person or one thing in particular, it was just me being sick and tired of being hit in the face over and over again with how thoughtless and selfish people really are.
That's all.
Still in a reazlly bad mood about it too.

...............

2010-08-30T10:05:00.001-07:00

WOW!!!!
Just frikken WOW!!!!
Is all I gotta say........
Oh and people SUCK!!!!!!!

Welllll.

2010-08-27T07:20:00.005-07:00

It looks like in a few weeks my life money wise will get a little easier, at least I hope but I'm mot 100% sure it's still in the hands of other people and you can never tell what people are going to do especially when it comes to money.
School is starting soon and I should have a job again.....BUT again mot 100% sure.

GOD! I hate this waiting game!

And then again the lotto tickets I have just might be winners. And all the rest of it won`t matter.

Ahhhh!
That would be nice if they were winners....
I could help my friends and tell my siblings where to go and how to get there. and find a nice little beach and just be........

this is just too cute!!!

2010-08-19T10:41:00.004-07:00

Tessa's boyfriend sent this too her when she wasn't feeling well (hung-over) k. so that part wasn't cute but the pic he drew is.
and vist Tessa's blog

http://faithless-reject.blogspot.com/

From Tessa

2010-08-19T09:31:00.003-07:00

go here to read her first chapter of a story she is entering in a contest

http://faithless-reject.blogspot.com/

Hi, I'm still here

2010-08-17T23:43:00.002-07:00

I have wanted to blog, but it has just not happened....I come here and I hit new post and sit for 10 minutes trying to write.....And nothing so I go over to FB and play a mindless game.....That is what my days have been like other then drinking more in this past month then a person on blood thinners ever should.
My days have been:

Wake Tessa up for work
Walk the dog
Feed the dog
Load the dish washer
Computer
Make dinner for Tessa
Eat, if I remember too
Walk the dog
Talk to Rick on the phone
Computer
Bed

That is weekdays
On the weekends of late I have been staying at least one night at Rick's place....If this becomes a habit I could see him either moving out here or teaching me to drive (something he said he'd NEVER do.) because paying for the $50 cab rides is going to get to his cheap soul sooner or later...
Anyway......
I cried the day my mom passed but I haven't cried since, I didn't cry at her service or wake or at anytime after that.....I don't know why, I still cry for April when I think of her passing, but I don't for my mother......I really don't know why that is.
And it kind of bothers me.

Aug 12

2010-08-12T17:04:00.003-07:00

This is the poem that the Pastor read yesterday just before the internment of my mother's ashes.

More Then A Mother
By Kari Keshmiry

When God set the world in place,
when He hung the stars up in space,
when He made the land and the sea,
then He made you and me.

He sat back and saw all that was good,
He saw things to be as they should.
Just one more blessing He had in store;
He created a mother, but whatever for?

He knew a mother would have a special place
to shine His reflection on her child's face.
A mother will walk the extra mile
just to see her children smile.

She'll work her fingers to the bone
to make a house into a home.
A mother is there to teach and guide,
a mother will stay right by your side.

She'll be there through your pain and strife,
she'll stay constant in your life.
A mother will lend a helping hand
until you have the strength to stand.

She'll pick you up when you are down,
when you need a friend she'll stick around.
A mother is one who listens well,
will keep her word; will never tell.

A mother never pokes or pries
but stands quietly by your side,
giving you the strength you need,
encouraging you to succeed.

A mother is one who can be strong
when you need someone to lean on.
You're more than a mother to me;
a reflection of Him in your face I see,
a love that knows no boundaries.

I'm glad that you chose to be
all this and more to me.
You share a love that knows no end,
you're more than my mother,
you are my friend.

august 7

2010-08-07T22:46:00.002-07:00

I don't really have a lot to say......
Thank you to Mo and Momma for putting a note on my mum's Obit guest book, that was very sweet of you.

It's a strange time for me everyone is surprised and maybe a little disgusted that I am not a big grieving mess.....
I am at peace with my mother's passing, I saw that it was peaceful and I am very glad she didn't have to suffer the great pain she was in for very long.....
So yes I will miss my mother, but crying and falling apart won't change what happened.

I will go on Wednesday and put my note and a small memento from Rick in with her urn to sealed for ever in an small alcove.
Then I will go on to share memories with friends and family.....

August 5

2010-08-05T17:28:00.001-07:00

http://www.legacy.com/can-vancouver/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=144491753

Take a look if you'd like

hint

2010-08-02T10:25:00.003-07:00

when you haven't drank in months and you haven't smoked in a week.....
Do not, I repeat.
DO NOT! Spend a night indulging.......makes for a a very nasty morning.....and rest of the day. OIY!

It's been

2010-07-29T08:37:00.002-07:00

8 days......
And my Mother's children have imploded.... Well kind of anyway.
There is a lot of bickering and and stuff.
One brother has threatened to sue another over money that might have been left, but it has come to light that if there is any thing it has been left to me and me alone.....This has made 2 of the siblings very upset and 2 of the siblings are more then OK with it because to them it makes sense.
Out of the 5 of us I am the only one that doesn't own my home.
There as been a few other things happen that make this unpleasant time even more unpleasant, but I'm doing my best to stay out of it.
Because in the end none of it really matters does it?

Thank you!

2010-07-25T17:41:00.003-07:00

For your kind words and love.
I love you all!
I'm doing OK.
She went peacefully, my oldest brother and sister and I were there.

I wasn't in the room when she stopped breathing but I was holding her hand when she slipped into the coma early that morning, so for me that's when she left us.
She opened her eyes and looked at me I asked her if she needed anything, she said no and went to sleep, (slipped into a coma).
I know in my heart in that moment she was at peace.

Rest well mom.

2010-07-22T02:02:00.002-07:00

At 4:30 pm July 21st.
My Mom lost her battle with cancer.....

.......

2010-07-19T00:40:00.001-07:00

Mom is slipping away, cancer has invaded the rest of her body.
Her time here is very very short.

The battle that spanned two Provenices

2010-07-16T23:55:00.009-07:00

This is going to take a bit to tell so bare with me okay?

Last Sunday

My sister took my mother to the hospital because I was really concerned that my mother was having severe panic attacks at the IDEA of getting of the couch into her chair so she could go to the bathroom, so she wasn't eating or drinking like she should so she wouldn't have to go as often ( I took her only twice in a 24 hr period). So when my sister called to see how she was I told her and of course she couldn't just take my word for it, she told me to phone the health nurse, I did. She phoned my oldest brother because as far as she's concerned he is the only one that knows anything, despite the fact I am the one with my mother 24/7 and he hasn't seen her in at least 2 weeks.

The health nurse and my brother agree that she go in right away, so my sister does, and doesn't let my mother talk, the ER doc does the most basic of exams and says everything seems fine she just needs to get up and move and eat drink more, but if she doesn't improve over the next few days bring her back in and we will admit her.....So they send her home I'm what the Doc said and " Don't over react, like you always do, and make her get up and move and drink more." Said in the snottiest voice.

So Okay, I do or at least try to do as I'm told.

But literally day by day then hour by hour for the next 4 days mom is getting worse.

And here we are at....

Yesterday

My other brother calls and talks to mom and she sounds dopey and drunk, and of course he thinks I have over medicated her and in fact I have under medicated her like I was told because of what had happened with the Oxy and adivan (basically when mom first got them she super dosed herself for a week or so before any of us caught on.)
Anyway,
My sister calls and starts in with the questions but I can't get 3 words out before she starts picking those words a part and telling me what she thinks I'm doing wrong and what I need to be doing and to quit being so fucking lazy and just do it. Which by the way, as it turns out, every thing she demanded I do, was wrong.
During her little phone tirade she heard my mom's good friend who had come by to help me try give mom a good wash before he physio session. My sister demands to talk to her and Marcy bless her heart lets my sister have it with both barrels.
And in doing this Marcy committed two of THE worst sins in my sister's world.
One. She told her to shut the fuck up and listen.
Two. She had the audacity to defend me and my actions
Marcy also said to my sister, "I am here every other day and Cindy is here 24/7 doing the best she can and watching your mother deteriorate right in front of her. Where the hell are the rest of you.?"
Well my sister sat and stewed for a bit and phoned Marcy a while later and ripped her a new one and and ended the call by saying "Keep your nose out of this it's none of your fucking business!"
Now Marcy is a very dear friend of my mom's and she has done everything she can to help mom, taking her to appointments, grocery shopping, picking up equipment from the Red Cross, anything and everything mom or I asked her to do without question or hesitation. So the fact my sister talked to her like that is disgusting. I don't care that she was lashing out because of fear or quilt because she has to work and not be here, (in actuality she could take some time off but hasn't none of them have. }

Then obviously my sister wasn't finished ranting she called me and tried to rip me a new one.
And when I dared to defend myself, and when she wouldn't listen yet again I told her I was tired of her shit and wouldn't listen to it anymore and hung up on her, then when she phoned back I asked her if she was ready to stop yelling at me and listen.

Well she wasn't, because she went off even farther.

This is what she said before I hung up on her again:
"If you would stop whining, and making this all about you! You've sponged off mom for years, you should be the one to look after her and if you need a fucking break get your lazy-ass daughter over there!"

One, I never asked for a break, I asked for help
Two, I wasn't going to have my 18 year old sit there watch her grandma like that.

So after I hung up on her and phoned my sister-inlaw, I didn't give the poor woman a choice told her to get over to mom's right now, someone from the family HAS to see what's going on, because my brother and sister won't let me get 3 words out and clearly explain what's going on.
My sister-inlaw and brother get there and he calls the EMTs not because mom is in pain and having trouble breathing but because he thinks I have over medicated her, but once the EMT checks her out and her vitals are decant my brother starts saying that she should stay home and what not, but the EMT says "No, she needs to go in, she is having trouble breathing and is in incredible pain, your sister has not given enough pain meds."
I must have looked stricken because the guy says to me " It's okay, you were doing what you were told and what you thought was best given the information you had."
My brother was still beak'in off about how she should stay home and that I should be able to take care of her. The guy looks at him and says " No, she can't. You can't. She needs to go in."
As they were wheeling her out I rubbed mom's arm and said "I'm sorry, when you get home again I promise to do better."
The EMT turns around and says to me "This is not your fault, you have done the best you can, she needs more help than you able to give her."
Then he gives my brother a look and says, " And from the sounds of it you have been asking for that help but not being heard."
I could have kissed the guy!

Now mom is admitted, because she got a Doc that took his time and looked into EVERYTHING and didn't let anyone talk for mom. He listened to her.
I'm too tired to go into what they found there is a lot and I have no idea how it was missed Sunday but, it was.
Let's just say for now if I had waited until my sister to get home on Monday like everyone but Marcy wanted me too.......It's bad, but no where near as bad as it could have been

july 15 2010

2010-07-15T09:52:00.002-07:00

I have put the call in for a home health care nurse.....Mom just wants some one to come in and wash her, she won't let me do it and when I said "Okay that's it! You need to get over yourself and let me give you a good wipe down." She said I was too rough. I know that's because of the amount of pain she is in, because I barely got one swipe with the cloth before she was telling me to stop.
Even though I will be called lazy and useless by my siblings I am going to go for more then just someone to wash her. I will do nights and weekends.

I NEED SOME KIND OF HELP.

Gee

2010-07-12T18:45:00.002-07:00

Did anyone think that only a year and a half after feeding, bathing, clothing and holding my best friend of almost 25 years hand while she died, doing the very same for my mother just maybe a really bad idea?..........

Yeah.
Everyone but my dumb-ass siblings.

So

2010-07-08T11:06:00.002-07:00

I had to come back to my mother's because Tessa and my sister had sleep deprivation melt downs and they just don't understand deep down in the bones that nothing helps pain and what that can do to a person's state of mind.
My sister also thinks things should be a certain way and her suggestions are the right thing, and if she is told that they aren't.... Well then everybody is stupid and lazy and they just don't want to try.
In my mother's case even I was beging to think she had given up......
Then we found out why the pain was so bad and why she can't walk.......

She would be fine if her body parts would STAY WHERE THEY FREAKIN BELONG!

The radiation has shrunk the tumor so there is no pain from that.
And the cancer hasn't massed to her bones. so that's all good.

BUT......
Not only is her stomach still all in her chest (doesn't bother her in the least)
Her pelvis has flipped upside down, and that is causing horrible horrible pain.
Because of the up coming medical trial she can't take the really good drugs that would help.
So that's why I'm here. I maybe the least able to help her physically but I understand the mind set of pain and how to work around it.
Because of this for me she has eaten well, taken her pills and not had one single cigarette and she's been up since 6 in the morning.
Hopefully with physio and a little time we can get this under control too

July 4th

2010-07-04T19:27:00.001-07:00

Happy 4th!!!! To all my American friends.

I have taken a few days off from staying at my mother's, I just couldn't fight with her anymore......So I made Tessa go over there and she seems to be doing better, I say seems because I think they are lieing to me about the pill and patch thing but my sister will be there tomorrow and things will be worked out......

I an very very tired.

July 1 2010

2010-07-01T06:33:00.002-07:00

First off....
HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!

Now for the cast of players:

Oldest child-sister:
Usually an opinionated bitch on wheels, generous to a fault, but bitchy all the same. Right now she is being unusually quiet. Stays with mum when she's not working.....She's always working.

Oldest brother-
Loner, non talker. takes mum to doctor's appointments then drops her off, barks orders and leaves.

Second oldest brother-
MIA. Only to surface briefly when he heard there might be a life insurance policy.....There isn't.

Third oldest brother-
Phones 20 thousand times a day, but doesn't come over.

Then there is me, the youngest-
Doing the best I can to follow Dr's and brother's orders while being told. "Not right now." "Leave me alone." And my absolute favorite "Fuck off." When I try to get mum to do what she needs to do, like eat, take her pills, get up and moving.
She has to get up and moving and gain some weight before she can do this clinical trial her Dr. wants to do, but she didn't walk much before she got sick, so getting her up and doing it now is almost impossible.....AND the rest of them are leaving it to me (the one she is least likely to listen too.) to make her do it. AAAARRRGGG!

Still at

2010-06-29T07:44:00.003-07:00

my mother's....
she's doing a bit better now that she isn't taking the oxycodone during the day....I have never seen oxy pills this size they are HUGE it's no wonder she was so out of it and not eating, she is eating a little more. But she is in a lot of pain and can't move around too well.
We got her out to the hairdresser last night to get her hair washed, she won't let my sister or I do it so we wrestled her into her wheel chair and took her. It made her feel a lot better for a while.
My brother and I had the biggest fight because he thinks Tessa should be here with me and when I tried to explain that she just can't handle seeing her Grandma like this, he went off on how lazy she is and now grandma isn't buying her things she's not coming over........I lost it ALL over him!
And asked him where his kids were and reminded him that Tessa just spent 3 days with mum, and in all that time and all the time I've been here his girls haven't called or anything. AND yes he may call every day but does he come over? No. So don't bitch about my kid and make excuses for yours.......
I have to say it's quite funny to watch a 6ft 3in over 300 lb man shake in his boots while 5ft nothing me yells at him. (yes I know I didn't put my weight down and I'm not going too... :P )

Why

2010-06-25T13:55:00.003-07:00

The fuck does everything have to happen all at once?
As if I don't have enough to deal with a couple more things are heaped on me that require money and time both of which I just don't have.
As the kids like to say..... F.M.L!
I swear whatever higher power is up there or where ever saying:
"I want to see how much it takes before I see grey matter from this person and this person and this person and this person?" "They all know each other they can clean up each other's messes."

Yeah we do and yeah we could......IF IT WASN'T HAPPENING ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME!
God/higher power has a sick and twisted sense of humour and hates me.
I say again....
F.M.L!

At....

2010-06-23T14:51:00.001-07:00

My mother's.......
This is hard.......harder than I thought it would be.

3 months

2010-06-18T21:51:00.002-07:00

12 weeks
90 days
2160 hours
129600 minutes
777600 seconds.......

Just isn't long enough.

Ok so....

2010-06-14T16:02:00.004-07:00

A couple have asked what happened.......

Well for the last little while I have been putting flyers out as well as resumes and I even had a few call backs and on Wednesday I had 3 interviews back to back.......I believed that I put my best foot forward and I would get at least one of the jobs.......I found out Friday that no I didn't get any of them, I lick my wounds and give myself a little pep talk, I can tread water a little longer, I'll get the baby full time soon enough (I hope).
Well that little boost lasted as long as it took me to walk the dog and check the mail and I am in a worse hole than I thought I was....It's bad people..... And the only people I would ever even think of to ask for help. Can't.
My mother of course is no longer working and in fact has just been signed up for palliative care, so all her meds and things can be paid for by medical.
And Rick just left for Alberta to pack up his Mother and put in a care home here in BC which he has to help pay for until BC Medical kicks in.

(No one even mention my siblings, I might have a stroke.)

So all in all I was and still kind of am feeling like a complete failure and very alone.
I will survive, barely, but I will survive.

just when......

2010-06-12T08:21:00.002-07:00

I think I have done everything I can and maybe just maybe breath for 5 frikk'in minutes......I go check the mail and found out I haven't and I can't.........I suck! (and not in a good way.)